I was going to refer to 'the black dog' in this post as it's a common term that most people recognise and relate to depression. Yet it makes no sense to me! I love dogs! The sight of a gorgeous four legged bundle of joy running towards you, tail wagging, wanting nothing more from you than cuddles and playtime is, to me, the epitome of joy! (Think Dug the Dog from the film, Up!)
It struck me as I began to write that J.K. Rowling really nailed the metaphor of depression with the Dementors. A being that will suck all the happiness, hope and joy out of you. (Yep, I know. Old news.)
I am very fortunate that I rarely drop into a full blown Dementor mood for more than a day. However, I had a full on night of it a couple of days ago.
It happens so fast. Literally a snap of the fingers and your mood plunges so fast and so deeply that you're not aware of it until it's happened.
I was happily chatting away to a dear, close friend on WhatsApp when I realised that she was more talkative than usual. So I asked a straightforward question and got a straightforward answer:
"Is hubby at the pub?"
"Busted! Lol!"
*SNAP*
Oh great. So she has no one else to talk to so I'm the last choice as usual. Look at her merrily chatting away about all the good stuff she's doing and yet she doesn't care enough about me to even ask how I'm doing or what I did in my day. Just like everybody else, she doesn't give a shit about me.
And so on and so forth. It spirals. Once that train of thought hits, it just takes you with it. Almost all of your logical thought takes a serious back seat. You're caught up in a whirlwind of rage, sorrow, helplessness and all the time you want to spit back with words that HURT. Why? Honestly, I don't know.
Know this about me. I love and adore my friends beyond belief. So much so that I can't put it into words. This friend in particular means the absolute world to me. Every time I see her I tell her I love her and I mean every word of it. Yet here I am, mid conversation, and I feel loathing.
That's a horrific and horrible thing to admit and I feel such shame for even writing that, that I've physically cringed and have shed tears.
But this is exactly what I mean by the Dementor mood. Everything becomes distorted, erratic, non-sensical. There is no logic, there is no positive feeling, there is no hope.
A few hours in now and I am a seething mass of resentment. Again, I hate admitting that and I am so sorry for it. The conversation is brought to an ubrupt end when my friend sends me an article and some quotes, meant to uplift and help me think and sent with nothing but love, care and concern. She ends with telling me that she loves me and she's thinking of me.
Throughout the conversation I have not told her how I'm feeling because I genuinely do not want to hurt her feelings. Even though I'm in the Dementor grip, there is a tiny part of me that knows that if I say the words that are running through my head then it may cause enough damage to end the friendship. Do not want.
So I don't say anything. Not one word.
Because of the mood I'm in, the article that she has sent has spiralled me off into a tornado. My Dementor brain has translated the story, about choices, change and hope, into a damning statement about what my life will never be.
At this moment I feel utterly trapped in my own head and in my own life. I am full of indignant rage and "HOW DARE SHE?" I start to sob at the futility of my life. About how I don't have anything to look forward to. About how empty I am inside. How I feel that nothing is going to change. That it won't get better. That I have no hope.
Again, I quote Wil Wheaton: DEPRESSION LIES.
I had my sob and felt my rage and I let it out to the point that I was wrung out and drained. I realised that I had entered the danger zone.
This will sound weird, but I am forever grateful that my ex decided to try and check out. Only when you have been in that situation do you realise the pain that it causes for others. I used to think of this time in my life and be so, so angry until I had a massive epiphany during my own bouts with the Dementor.
Because of the choice he made that day, I know 100% that I will never make that same choice. But I also have a great degree of understanding about how a person can get to that place.
I'm no longer angry about it. Yes, at the time it was beyond horrific and it really did change my life. But I am forever grateful because it installed a valve in me. (Weird metaphor but go with it).
When I reach my danger zone and I am devoid of hope, this little valve releases something. I don't know what it is and I can't explain it. But that little release sends a message that I'm not in a good place and I need to distract myself asap.
Distracting myself is something that I'm incredibly good at! So after a few breaths to try and ground myself, I switch my laptop on and go back to my Arrow marathon. Around 3am, Oliver Queen and co have kept me company for long enough that I'm feeling tired enough to sleep.
I am aware that I left my friend hanging on WhatsApp and that she's probably confused and maybe a bit hurt about it. But now is not the right time to explain. I've probably picked up the phone 10 times but put it down again. My mind is too tired to construct the sentences that will help her understand. So I sleep.
Next morning, the world is back in balance again. Never underestimate the power of sleep!
I need to explain to her. There's already a message saying good morning and asking how I am. I say that I had a bad 'black dog' night but I wanted her to know that I really appreciated the words that she had sent and that I loved her for it.
Because I do.
In the light of day and being out of the grip, I saw her gestures for what they were. She once said to me "I haven't known anyone with depression before and it's difficult for me to understand but I'll always be here for you". I love that more than I can tell you.
Whilst having one of these bursts of bad stuff, it's like I become someone else. I don't think and feel the way I usually do. Maybe that's why depression is hard to understand. Because it's all internal and you daren't voice how you're feeling for fear of hurting others or causing them to panic.
Thanks to a mixture of medication, counselling, self examination and self awareness, these bad times are generally short lived. Like the example above, I have short bouts usually lasting an evening or so. When I sit back and look at an episode like this, I am flooded with relief and gratitude.
I realise that although this illness affects my life, it doesn't dictate it. I still find joy in so many things. That's what my next post will be about. :)
I have messaged my friend and explained that I want to talk about this openly and honestly. I'm not going to post this until I've heard back from her.
To that friend, I say this:
THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Nor is it mine. It just is.
I love you for your total acceptance of who I am. For your friendship and warmth and understanding. I think it might be painful for you to read this post, that's not my intention. As you know, it took me a number of years to completely open up to you and confess that I have a shitty illness that screws with my head.
I remember that night so well! You just gave me a massive cuddle in the middle of a crowded pub. That says everything to me.
You've seen me at my worst over the last 12 months and you've put up with my snappy, crappy moods (autocorrect changed that to Moose! :D Freudian typo?!) and never once have you given up on me. I bet you felt like it at times!
No one knows more about me than you do. I love you very, very much. Never forget that or doubt it. I will do my absolute best to always be here when you need me. Actually I'm might hang around more, just to annoy you! :p <3 xxxxxx
Heavy stuff. But I said when I started this blog that I would be open about this illness in the hope of bringing understanding.
A couple of notes: First, I am actually quite proud that I reached a grand total of, what, 3 posts?!! That's a record! Go me!
Second: I realise that I've talked about the darker side of dealing with this so far. Rest assured that life is not all doom and gloom and I am looking forward to sharing with you guys all the things that make me happy!
Third: if you've read this far, then you have my utmost respect and admiration and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)
Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo
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