The current state of affairs is that the depression is lifting (woohoo!) but the anxiety is still pretty severe. Am signed off work for another month but this time I have actual hope that I'll be functioning well enough to go back at the end of September.
Usually what is said between doctor and patient is confidential but I'm going to tell you what happened as I think it's important.
I have been telling my doc (I shall call him Dr Strange) about the physical symptoms of the anxiety for the past 2 months. Dr Strange and I have a long history and I have usually found him to be very understanding, sympathetic and helpful. This is, from what I understand, an unusual situation. I have heard horror stories about GP's and their reaction to mental health issues. Someone I know and love was on the brink of having a full mental break and the family got told that it was nothing to worry about and got summarily dismissed. Things got worse, they went back to the doc who then recognised the severity of the situation. He then apologised for not taking the family and patient seriously.....
I explained to Dr Strange that I was feeling better mentally but still having problems with the physical symptoms, some of which are:
Muscle spasms in my legs which get painful by the end of the day
Tension headaches
Erratic bouts of insomnia
Shoulder and neck pain from tension
Also, (I think this is my favourite) around 10-15 mins before I have to go out anywhere, I start coughing which then leads to gagging until I have tears running down my face. This happens regardless of whether I'm going to a docs appt or to see my best mate.
All of these (apart from the cough gagging) are actually common symptoms related to anxiety. I think the coughing is my own special 'thing'!
The first time I explained these symptoms, Dr Strange suggested I "be less uptight". The second time he suggested I take up sports. Neither of those things were particularly helpful and I couldn't understand why he would say that.
Surely, as a medical professional, he of all people would understand that:
1, there is no magic switch to turn off anxiety and be less uptight.
2, people who have depression and anxiety often struggle with the simple task of leaving the house, let alone the idea of going out to do some exercise.
So Dr Strange was at the Last Chance Saloon today.
Having been dealing with the ups and downs of all this stuff for the last 7 years or so, I consider myself to be quite well versed in what can help. However the extent of the physical symptoms have been considerably worse than I have dealt with before. That being the case, I'd done my research. Every single article that I read about anxiety had listed diazepam (Commonly known as Valium) to relieve the body of tension. This drug had been mentioned at my last appt but had been dismissed in favour of sleeping pills.
When needed, sleeping pills can be the biggest blessing. Feeling properly rested can make a huge difference to your mood and the feeling of drifting off into a gentle slumber, instead of tossing and turning for most of the night, is blissful. However, for me the issue wasn't so much getting through the night as getting through the day.
I have truncated mine and Dr Strange's discussion to the salient points.
We're discussing the symptoms and he's taking my blood pressure and checking my pulse. (The first time he's done this over the course of my last 3 appts.) Blood pressure is fine but he seems shocked to find that my pulse is racing.
Temptation to say "No shit, Sherlock" is quelled.
He asks what he can do to help.
I laugh and tell him that I have no idea and that he's the doctor. There may have been a little sarcasm in my tone.
Diazepam is mentioned in a tone that tells me that he doesn't want me to have it.
I look him in the eye and ask him if it's because it can be addictive. He says yes.
I'm now frustrated. I'm 39 years old and have been surrounded by various addictions all my life.
I actually interrupt him and inform him that I am very well aware of the issue and provide him with some examples, which ends with me telling him (in what my Mum calls my "quite authoritative voice") that I have no intention of becoming addicted, that I am very well aware of the risks and that I am actually a sensible and realistic person.
He actually looks sheepish.
We agree that a short, very small dosage course of diazepam will (in his words) be beneficial as it will help relax me which will, in turn, make it easier for me to face the social anxiety side of things, therefore building confidence and making life generally easier to cope with.
He ends the consultation by agreeing that I am a sensible and realistic person.
Halle-fucking-lujah.
For the record I am not a proponent of taking drugs for the sake of taking drugs. What I do believe is that if there is something available that can help whilst you're going through a turbulent time, then it's worth giving it a shot in the short term.
I have 28 pills, of which 1 or 2 can be taken 3 times a day if needed. I only intend to take a dose if I feel that it really is needed. Seeing as the docs appt had caused the coughgagging and some muscle spasming due to feeling anxious about it then I took a dose when I got in. I have nothing planned for today, especially not operating heavy machinery.
I can tell you that I am sitting on the sofa typing this and I'm not away with the fairies, my brain is functioning well and, most importantly, I just feel relaxed. When I stand up I can feel that my shoulders and neck muscles are holding less tension. My calf muscles haven't tensed at all since I've been sitting and doing this. The relief is lovely. :)
If I can have just a week of this then it could be a massive turning point in my recovery. My body will have a chance at dropping out of adrenaline fuelled 'fight or flight' and back to a somewhat normal state.
We also agreed to upping the dosage of my anti depressants for a month to try and really combat this illness. I had expressed that I hoped to go back to work at the end of September. He advised caution and to not feel like I had to put myself under any kind of pressure. I understand that and it was wise of him to state it.
There's part of me that feels guilty about not being at work and the Inner Critic is telling me that I'm just lazy. But through writing these blogs, I have become acutely aware of just how bad of a situation I was in when I got signed off. I don't think I'm overstating things by saying that had I kept pushing myself to 'just keep coping' then I would be in a world of trouble by now.
I think the main point I'm trying to make is that you know you best. You know your family best. You know when something is wrong.
Let's be clear. I am generally not in favour of Googling symptoms. Chances are that within 5 minutes you'll have diagnosed yourself with the Plague or Mad Cows Disease. But if you have an existing illness then why not educate yourself about it?
Look at medical sites (in my case it was the NHS site) and the section that specifically deals with your condition. Chances are there may be something there that could be helpful that your doctor might not have suggested. Even things such as meditation, or eating certain foods or kite flying! Who knows?!
Treatments are not 'one size fits all'. What works for one may not work for another. But you will know what works for you. Don't ignore that gut instinct. If you find that you approach a medical professional with options and they are flat out dismissive and refuse to listen, then find another one.
Dr Strange was on the ropes today. Anxiety Girl went slightly Hulk, stated her case and the result was that Dr Strange concurred with her.
Dr Strange has earned a reprieve.
Sometimes there is a need to fight and sometimes there is a need to let go. Only you will know which is the right time to do either of these. Or both. I had to let go before I could find it in me to fight. :)
Listen to your instincts.
Love,
Anxiety Girl xoxo
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