My superhero power - Procrastination!

I'm sitting here laughing at myself! That happens sometimes when I can be objective and see my thinking for how it is. 

These are some things that I am thinking about. Please read these at maximum speed.  

What is my blog post going to be about?

I want to contribute something to Kerrangs' Rock Against Depression Campaign but how do I condense my gig experiences into an email that won't end up being the length of War and Peace? 

Damn, my cat is cute.

How should I write my blog? In chronological order? Should I include the proper medical stuff? How do I best explain/describe my experience without sounding patronising?

I should put some funny stuff in. That would help lift the tone. 

My Mum's daily check in text has just arrived. Must break away from thoughts and reply. Remember to reply. Remember to reply. 

Fuck it. Reply now. Replied. Back to thoughts. 

Another text. Sounds like Mum wants to go out but I don't really feel like it today. Balls. 

Reply to text saying I wasn't planning on going out. She says "ok. xx" 

Oh crap, here it comes...

YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR MOTHER OUT. YOU ARE SELFISH AND DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF. SHAME ON YOU. YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY ELSE. SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH. YES, YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. 

And at this point I call a halt to everything. I take some deep breaths. Immediately I want to continue watching Twin Peaks on Netflix just to get away from the thoughts. 

I've seen this voice referred to as the Inner Critic. (Thanks for The Guardian article Jenny, you rock!) It's the nagging voice that tells you repeatedly all the worst things that you fear about yourself. We all have it but in the case of people with mental health disorders, this voice talks constantly and is phenomenally difficult to stand up to. It's like having a permanent bully in your mind.  

(Breaking off to send text apologising to Mum and saying I feel bad about not wanting to go out). 

YES, YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR MUMS AND WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM? 

Text back from Mum saying "no no no!! Don't feel bad!" 

Sigh of relief. 

For the record, all of the above happened in real time over a period of about 15 minutes. 

To quote the awesomeness that is Wil Wheaton: Depression lies. 

I'm not a bad person. I like to think that I do my best when it comes to the people who love and support me. 

I don't know where this is going now so I guess that's a sign to wrap up. Having read back what I just wrote, I still have a smile on my face. I guess this is a snapshot of how my brain works. Bear in mind that so far, this is a good day! 

(I just googled 'bear in mind' to check that that was correct and not 'bare in mind'. I was afraid that you guys might laugh if I got it wrong!)

So, I was writing about procrastination, right? 

Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo