Depression Awareness Week - Day 1

I'm going to try and make sure that I blog every day this week. We'll see how that goes!! 

Today I want to talk about communication. Or maybe more accurately, miscommunication. 

When I'm going through a particularly low period, I barely talk. Partly because I don't have the energy and partly because I just don't want to. 

Although things are looking up, with a new job on the horizon and getting back to a routine, I'm actually experiencing a pretty bad slump. Over Easter weekend I didn't leave my flat. Or my bed. For 4 whole days. 

I think I had a couple of conversations with my Mum on the phone and that was it. Other than that I didn't speak to anyone other than my cat. Although I love her dearly, her conversational skills are somewhat lacking. 

I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to talk and wanting to be silent. 

I had a situation this week with a very, very dear friend that brought all this right to the forefront. I had been feeling that this person had been 'using' me to talk about their own problems and not bothering to ask how I was, despite knowing that it's been a tumultuous few months for me. Like I said, I love this person dearly and I didn't want there to be this 'thing' getting in the way. So I decided to write an email in the nicest possible way, to explain how I was feeling and why. I knew it was going to make the other person feel bad and it absolutely made me cringe to write it all out. But I did it and I felt sick to my stomach when I pressed send. 

As expected, it didn't go down well. Why would it? Any person who receives an email like that is going to feel like crap. 

Luckily this person felt able to contact me and we had a painfully honest text conversation. 

And when I say painful I mean painful. For me. 

Basically my friend told me that when she did ask how I was doing, she was met with a breezy (yet kind) dismissal and an immediate turn in discussion back to her. 

Oh. Ouch. 

(If the person I'm discussing is reading this, then you know that I've paraphrased greatly and I hope you think the above assessment is fair.) <3

As if to reinforce this, another dear friend said in a text that I had been quiet and she sometimes wondered if it was her. 

More ouch. 

The answer is no. Emphatically, no. 

It really is not you, it's me. 

I feel like I've done my friends a great disservice recently by not replying, not making social arrangements and generally not being a friend. This pains me an awful lot as my mates are very important to me. 

I can't solve this one overnight, much as I really wish I could. The only explanation I can offer is that I've needed time to retreat and start to heal some wounds that are very deep. I've asked for patience and understanding and my friends, being the epic people that they are, have granted me exactly that. 

I've given so many apologies and reassurances that these people are loved and valued by me. And if you are one of the people that have yet to have a reply from me then I am so very sorry. It really means an awful lot to me that you would contact me and if you feel ignored (which you have the right to) then know that it's not on purpose and it's certainly not personal. 

At the moment I just suck at being a human being. But it really is temporary, that I promise you. In fact, there's almost a point to be made here for enjoying the silence because as soon as I'm back at work and have news and new experiences to share then you're going to be sick of me! ;) 

In all of this, I am aware of it all. I know it's happening and I know that I want to be better. As things stand, I know that things will change as soon as I'm back in the work environment. As much as we all don't like having to go to work, there's a lot to be said for the routine and the social aspect of it especially when you have hermit-like tendencies. I realised that when I went to my works leaving do. 

I had such a great night. Yet I hadn't been on a works social outing for a really long time. Of course then I was really mad at myself for not doing it sooner. *epic facepalm* 

So let me sum up the points I'm trying to make here: 

1. It's depression awareness week. I am aware that I have it and that it adversely affects the way I want to live my life. 

2. I am asking for your patience and a little understanding. There are people that want to meet up with me, and I with them, but it hasn't happened yet. Yet. It will happen and I do want to see them because I want to catch up with them and share time with them. I'm hoping that this blog post will go some way to make them aware that this is my issue, not theirs. 

3. Even if you haven't experienced mental health issues yourself, but you find yourself in this same kind of situation with a friend or loved one, please be patient. 

4. Awareness is everything. I am aware that I cannot write a short and to-the-point blog post. :/ 

As I said, way back in the past (at the top), I'm going to do my bit for Depression Awareness Week by writing something every day. The exception may be Thursday as it is going to be a busy one. I have a meeting with my new boss and co-workers in the morning. In the evening it's Avengers time! *flail* :D 

For more information about mental health issues in general, please go to the following resources: 

Www.time-to-change.org.uk

Www.mind.org.uk 

Yours in recovery, 

Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Change is coming :)

Life has changed so much since the beginning of 2015. Sometimes it feels like  it's taken forever and sometimes it feels like it's gone at Flash speed. 

I've had a period of quiet, something so very much needed. My perception of who I am has undergone a profound change, mainly because of how I got my new job. 

In January I was spinning out of control, exhausted in every way. I was waging a battle on two fronts, one being my own mind, and the other a real life Dementor. 

The Dementor constantly fed my mind a series of lies about how cruel and heartless I was. My mind was fighting against the lies yet, at the same time questioned if the lies were the truth. 

Sounds confusing, right? Yep. 

It's not the first time this has happened. An ex partner constantly swore he was being faithful and dismissed my doubts again and again, leading me to question what I knew in my gut was right. And I was right. You'd think I would have learned from that. Unfortunately Dementors always swoop when they know you're vulnerable. 

I digress(ish). 

Actually, let me digress here for a second. I'm an emotional person. To the point of being over sensitive. I was brought up to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. Now I know better. 

Since experiencing the complete emotional numbness of depression, I have realised that my emotions are my strength. (Is that my superhero power?!) 

All emotion is real. Some can be dismissive about the reason you're feeling a certain way and tell you that it's not worth it or to stop caring about it. (Thanks for the tip, now if you could please demonstrate how exactly to do that?) 

So fast forward to more recent times and the search for a new job. Big change is always scary and I've certainly had a hefty dose of that. However, change can also be surprising in ways that you could never imagine. 

Here's how the job thing went. 

Wednesday: phone call from one of the agencies I'd sent my details to. The consultant apologised to me for having taken so long to get back to me and asked me if I could come in the following day as she had read my CV and wanted to meet with me as soon as possible. 

Thursday: Meeting with Kit at the agency (no nonsense, no bullshit, very direct, just my kind of person!). We discussed my previous employment and what I wanted to do next, all in a relaxed and friendly way. During the meeting she describes me as an ideal candidate, very placeable, and twice says that I have a lovely personality. She brings me the details of a job that she thinks I would be right for and, luckily, I agree with her. She says that she will be handing over my details to the other agent who is in charge of the recruitment for Kings College. 

Friday: Phone call from Emma-Jane to say that Kit had run into her office, waving my CV at her saying that she absolutely had to see me. Would I be available for a job interview on Monday? Why yes, I would be. 

Monday: Interview with Emma-Jane and lady from Kings College. All seemed to go well. I answers their questions, they took copious notes, we laughed a lot. They said that decisions would be made over the next 2 days and that I should expect the yay or nay call on Wednesday. 

3 hours later: Phone call from Emma-Jane asking me how I thought it had gone. I said that I felt it went well although, just like everybody else, there were things I felt I could have said better at the time, however I put that down to nerves! She laughed and said that it had gone extremely well, they thought I was perfect for the job and was one of 3 candidates they were putting forward for 3 vacancies. Was that ok? Um, yes, that's pretty effing amazing! 

Wait, whoa, hold up. Let's back it up a little here. 

So Kings College, a prestigious and historical British institution, want me to come and work for them? To be the first voice the staff and students hear when they phone? 

But aren't I really bad with people? Aren't  I a morose/angry/unkind person? Don't I constantly abuse the people I come into contact with on a daily basis? Surely the experienced people at the agency would have seen through my cheerful facade and realised that I am an individual that should not be within a million miles of Kings? 

Or maybe they just don't have an agenda and they liked the person they saw. Maybe they listened to my answers and liked what they heard and saw my sincerity. 

The truth is that I went into that interview without my defences up. That's what this time out has given me. I hadn't meant it to be over a month without work. But I have to believe that things have worked out this way for a reason. That if I had gone into that interview with all those negatives still very much at the forefront of my mind, then the outcome would probably have been very different. 

Everything that I heard and experienced that week was positive. Po-si-tive. 

Having had a little time to sit and reflect on the situation, I am compelled to realise one thing. Or maybe two things. 

As always, the first is a quote from the awesomeness that is Wil Wheaton: Depression lies. 

The second is that if you have an entity that reinforces the lies that depression tells you, then you will believe them. 

When you truly lose yourself in a bad situation, it is nigh on impossible to think your way out of it. You can't see the light and the hope at the end of the tunnel because you don't know where the damn tunnel is. You just know you're in it. 

And then one person (albeit unknowingly) come to find you in that tunnel and shows you the way out. (Sheesh. Maybe I should change my name to Metaphor Girl). 

So at this point:

Dementor/depression - 0 Anxiety Girl - 1

Now please excuse me whilst I barge my way past you and go and live a new chapter of my life. I've earned it. 

Yours never, 

Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Q&A

Ask me anything. 

The reason I started this blog was to hopefully inform and educate about what it's like to be a regular person dealing with mental illness on a day to day basis. I felt so devastated by the suicide of Robin Williams, as a fan and as a person, that I felt compelled to do it when I was asked "but he had all the money and a family and a successful career. What did he have to be depressed about?" 

That was from someone that has been by my side and seen me through all of my worst times. That's when it really struck home that this illness is still phenomenally misunderstood. 

So I'm opening up the floor to you, dear readers. What is it that you want to know? I'm absolutely fine with questions about my personal circumstances. That's pretty much what this blog is about anyway! 

But things like support for loved ones, medication, legal rights, work absence, emotional and physical symptoms, dealing with GP's, counselling, basically anything and everything. 

Obviously I'm not a trained professional but I can definitely point you in the right direction should you want more information. If you're worried or curious or you want to know why I share all this stuff then this is the place to be! 

You can leave questions in the comments on FaceBook if you're comfortable being public about it or pm me if you're not. I shall try to get back to you asap, although please bear in mind that I have times where I need to be quiet and it may take a couple of hours or so. :) 

If you choose to pm me then PLEASE be assured that all that you say will be held in the strictest confidence. I do not take that lightly in the slightest and I want you guys to feel safe about that. It takes immense courage to open up about personal issues and I absolutely respect that having been through it myself. 

If you feel that you or someone close to you is in immediate danger then please refer to www.mind.org for emergency help. 

The floor is yours..... 

Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Lessons Learned

I was thinking about 'theming' this blog post but I have too many thoughts running around in my head. So it's likely that this will be a brain fart of sorts and a long one at that! Read on if you will but be prepared for the random! 

Had my works leaving do last night. Socialising has not been high on my list of priorities recently. I have been living the hermit life for many months now. But I went because I worked with awesome people and because it was a joint leaving do with my dear friend Mike, who I have worked with closely over the last 5 years or so. 

This part is hard to explain so please bear with me. My last few months at work were seriously tough to deal with. I had so much negative criticism from one person that it coloured the way I thought everyone else felt about me too. It got to the point where I was genuinely expecting people that I'd known for a long time and always got on well with, to suddenly turn and snap at me and tell me that I was letting them down and that every bad thing that happened at work was down to me. I felt that I was constantly bothering them by asking stupid questions and, at times, being phenomenally annoying because I was unable to control my emotions due to being so deeply unhappy. 

So I have to admit that I was apprehensive before I went. I knew that quite a few people would be there because Mike is a popular guy and that they all would want to give him a good send off and wish him all the best for his new job. 

Me? Maybe not so much. 

But I was pretty much overwhelmed when everyone arrived. I had compliments on how well I was looking. There were lovely moments when people would quietly ask me how I was doing and genuine smiles and lovely words. I really can't convey it accurately but each conversation chipped away at the wall I'd built up around me. 

I'm aware now that I isolated myself from them in trying to protect myself. I did my best to appear cheerful, sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed epically. 

It's still too soon for me to trust when people say nice things to me that they 100% mean it. That is absolutely no reflection on their sincerity at all, it's just my state of mind at the moment. But last night went a really long way to breaking that down. I felt accepted and warmly welcomed and that was more than enough for me. :) 

It still amazes me that one person had the power to break me down to such an extent. In fairness, I suppose I should be a little easier on myself. When I went back to work, I'd just been through a mental health crisis and was vulnerable. It was taken advantage of by someone in authority and used as a weapon. 

Hindsight being what it is, I should have stood up for myself from day one. 

Hindsight is a bitch. 

I should have trusted my instincts, and therein lies the biggest lesson I've learned recently. If it feels wrong, then it IS wrong. 

Despite knowing that I was heading down an incredibly rocky path, I persevered, fooling myself into believing that it would get better. 

I should have stopped it the moment the suicidal thoughts appeared. That's the honest truth about how low I got. I genuinely believed that I was worthless and an unkind and cruel person. I haven't admitted that to anyone and I don't do it now for any other reason than that I don't want anyone else who finds themself in a similar position to get to that point. 

I knew about 2 weeks in that this situation was potentially very harmful to me. Yet I stuck it out. Why? I wish I could give you a proper reason. Maybe because I'm stubborn, maybe because I didn't want this person to 'win', maybe because I want to believe the best of people, maybe because I'm an optimist at heart, I just don't know. 

There were many conversations had between my loved ones and I about how to deal with the situation. As is prudent and practical, most advised to stick it out until I found another job. 

But I couldn't. I was getting progressively worse with every day that went past. There were days when I would finish work, get back to my car and then have to run for the nearest shrubbery to throw up in. 

Then came the day that I had had enough. Another reprimand, another bout of cruel words and that was it. 

What follows is the most valuable lesson I have gained from this whole experience and it's going to sound so simple and trust me when I say that I have facepalmed over this many, many times. 

No one else is living your life. No one knows exactly how you feel. No one goes through the emotions that you do. People may have been through similar situations and found a different solution. But not one of them can tell you what's right for you. Only you know what is bearable, how much you can take and when it has to stop and change direction. 

It may seem insane to some that I would just hand my notice in without a job to go to, hence a financially uncertain future. I can understand that from a logical point of view. But I also know what the consequences of me staying in that situation any longer would have been. 

So I took a leap of faith and trusted that everything would work out. So far it's going ok.  It's taken me a little longer than I thought to start recovering but again, I'm fine with that. I'm now in a place where I'm looking forward to finding work and beginning to regain the confidence I'd managed to build up before all this happened. 

Weirdly, I know I'm going to be temporarily embarrassed when I publish this entry and post it where my friends can see it. But I'm going to do it anyway. When I decided to start this blog in August last year, my aim was always to be as honest as I could be about being a person that has to deal with mental illness as best they can. Much as there was a temporary derailment, things are getting back on track. 

It's just that now I don't give a flying fuck whether anyone thinks I'm weird. Or decides to judge my actions or my personality. I may have my issues but no one has the right to put me down for that. No one had the right to use my honesty as ammunition. 

I'm not a useless superhero, I'm just an unlikely one. :) 

Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Relapse and Recovery

Question: When is a superhero not a superhero? 

Answer: When they don't feel like a superhero any more. 

The Anxiety Girl 'identity' came about because I realised that, for people like me, daily life can be a (sometimes) massive fight. It's my way of recognising that as bad and as pathetic as I feel, I'm actually doing ok because I'm managing to get out of bed in the morning. 

The reason I stopped blogging for a while is because an unknown someone decided to 'report' a status I'd made about being kind to people in service industries at Christmas to my manager. I was taken into a room and given a reprimand (one amongst many I had over the last 3 months I worked there)  because it was deemed harmful to the company I used to work for. 

Not only did it stop me blogging but it also stopped me talking about my life in general. I got too afraid of anything I said being used against me. I'll probably never know who did it, I can't imagine someone fessing up to it, but in case they happen to be reading this: thanks for the damage you caused. Thanks for making me shut down and stop communicating in one of the few ways I feel comfortable with. Thank you for giving someone a reason to put me down that was so not needed, at a time when I was struggling anyway. You may have thought you were acting in someone's best interest but it certainly wasn't mine. Maybe a quiet word or a private message could have been a solution had you been genuinely concerned about an innocent status being harmful. Instead it got used as ammunition. 

Do I sound bitter? That would be because I am. 

Without going into detail, after nearly 10 years of working for the same company and feeling relatively happy with it, I handed in my notice. Why? Because if I had kept going the way I was then I would have had a breakdown or worse. 

I really can't tell you how much I wish that was an understatement. I have never been made to feel so worthless, so pathetic and like such a bad person. I expended SO much energy during the day that I was coming home and getting straight into bed. Then when I tried to sleep, my mind was going into overdrive. Trying to work out if anything I had done during the day could be conceived as being 'wrong' and dreading what the next day would bring. 

That's no way to live. We spend a good percentage of our life at work and when you end up terrified of being there then it takes a massive toll on you. 

Within a day or two of me handing my notice in, people started to remark how different I looked. Apparently I went from looking "grey, washed out and haunted" to looking like a human being again. Says a lot, doesn't it? 

So, as of right now, I am not beholden to anyone. I am free to speak my truth without fear of consequence. 

However much I may get worried about the future, nothing and no one will ever convince me that I made the wrong decision. I didn't need confirmation of this but I got it from the people that are closest to me anyway. To a person they told me how proud they were of me, how it was absolutely the right thing to do, how much they were relieved and how much they loved me. 

As things stand right now, I have some major issues to start challenging and working through. The world swings from being a terrifying place to one filled with unknown opportunity and the promise of better times to come. However, the best news is that my interest in life has started to come back. Small things like getting a haircut, going to see my best mate and beginning to look forward to upcoming events. 

My main problem is confidence. I've never felt so devoid of it. I know that this will start to come back as I find a new job  and open myself up to the world again but it does make these things more difficult to face. 

I have made decisions about my future and I'm comfortable with them. 

Now begins the road to recovery. It is the most difficult one I have faced to date but if there's one thing I've learned over recent times, it's how resilient I am. 

I have some hope back and that's what's most important. :) 

Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Out with the old

Usually I would do this kind of post on New Years Eve but it feels right to do it now. 

Anxiety Girl is being packed away. New year, new start and all that. I will still blog but just not here. 

Christmas can be a very trying time for me. Some years it's forced jollity, some years it's keeping everybody else happy and some years it's a big gaping hole of nothingness. 

2014, thankfully, has been very different. I've enjoyed picking out gifts and cards for my loved ones and the actual day itself was lovely. Very relaxed, lots of laughs and just enjoying company. I had such a heartfelt appreciation of every single card, present, text, FB post, Christmas wish, everything! I know I've not been the easiest person to deal with this year, so the fact that anyone took time to do or say anything really meant a lot to me. 

This year has been, without a doubt, the most difficult of the last 10 years or so. So much worry and self doubt that I've felt physically weighed down by it. There have been nights when I've laid awake not knowing how I'm going to have the strength to get out of bed the next day. 

But somehow I have. Maybe it's stubbornness or just plain survival instinct, I don't know. What I do know is that I haven't done it by myself. I am so, so blessed to have a group of people in my life that have never given up on me, even when I feel like I've given up on myself. 

There have been times when I've been angry, over sensitive, accusatory, whiny,  negative and just plain bitchy. Yet, not one person that I care about has turned their back on me, even when I've really, truly deserved it. 

That says so much more about the epic people in my life than it does about me. 

I can honestly say that 2014 has been the year that I've learned to be me. Yes, I've made mistakes and I've trusted the wrong people at times, but it's all been a massively valuable learning experience. As with most life lessons, pain has been a big part of it. I've very literally been knocked down to the point where I've been made to think that I was worthless and pathetic. 

Again, I am so unbelievably grateful for the people who told me that I was worth something, that I was valued and loved. If it wasn't for them then I am in no doubt that I would have had a breakdown this year. I came frighteningly close more times than I can tell you. 

Yet, each time that I hit rock bottom, there was a voice on the phone, a text, an email, telling me that someone believed in me. That I had support, that I was stronger then I knew. 

The words we speak and type have immense power. Used negatively, they can bring a person to their knees, particularly if someone is vulnerable. Used positively, they can lift you up and make you soar. 

If I ever needed proof of this, then it was with my voluntary day with the Time To Change campaign and through this blog that I truly recognised it. By speaking out about my struggles with mental illness, it opened up a floodgate of positivity and a feeling of community. 

There are also those who dismiss and deny it and make you feel like you're making it all up. 

Then there are those who say "I don't understand it as I've never been through it, but I get that you're going through a hard time and I'm here for you". 

I now try not to get angry at those who deny. It's very difficult but I just have to remember that none of us truly understand what we haven't experienced ourselves. But by talking and explaining, then I have hope that the stigma will diminish with each word or sentence. 

This year, I have pride in myself. I have learned just how resilient I can be. I am so very glad that I am who I am and what my experiences have taught me. 

So whilst Anxiety Girl may not be actively fighting stigma and discrimination, you can bet your ass that I will be! 

Because this is me. Emotional, heart on my sleeve, wise in some areas, naive in others. Forever non perfect and loving my quirks and my weirdness. That's what makes me special. It's what makes us all special. 

In the words of Fall Out Boy, "I don't have the right name or the right looks, but I have twice the heart". 

I'm me, take it or leave it. :) 

I hope you have all had a lovely festive season, however you celebrate. If you've not had a good time then I am sending you love and massive hugs. Seems trite to say but it will get better even if it doesn't feel like it right at the moment. 

You ARE stronger than you think. You ARE valued and you ARE loved. You deserve every good thing that comes your way. 

You ARE a superhero. We all are. Never forget that. That means that you're never alone. We all have our battles and our struggles, but we have each other. We're a team, all of us. Lean on each other when you need support. 

I wish you all nothing but the very best for the coming New Year. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle on yourself. 

Talk, listen, laugh and love. 

Signing off for the last time in this current guise. 

Peace out bitches! 

Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Time To Change

This is going to be a long post and there is absolutely no apology for that! 

It's not very often that you wake up in the morning with a new perspective on your life, but that's what's happening to me today. 

Yesterday I took part in a days volunteering with the Time To Change campaign. www.time-to-change.org.uk 

I've had to pause here as I can barely believe that I just wrote that sentence, let alone actually taken part! 

A little history. Depression has been part of my life since my very early teens, although I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 32 and then started treatment. The only reason that I went to the doctors about it was because a dear friend had been through it and had spotted the signs. It occurs to me now that I don't think I have thanked her for that. I shall text her when I finish this. 

I've been off work for 5 months with the worst bout of depression and anxiety that I've ever had. There have been times when I haven't been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I lost hope that I would be able to feel human again. So how did I get to a place where I am able to approach complete strangers on the street and talk about this stuff? 

I'm glad you asked. ;) 

I was greatly affected by the loss of Robin Williams, a hero of mine, in August. The day after it happened everyone was talking about mental health and posting about helplines and "To my friends, I'm here if you need to talk" and sharing statuses from mental health organisations. On one hand I was incredibly glad to see it but on the other, I was fuming. I wanted to yell "WHERE HAVE YOU ALL BEEN?!!" 

After the initial rage, I had so many things that I wanted to say and explain that I started this blog and signed up to be a Time To Change Champion. This basically means that you can volunteer for events in your area or you can create an event of your own. 

About two weeks ago I had an email from TTC about a pop up village that was being held in my city centre. I don't think I even thought about it before I'd sent an email to the organisers to offer my services. Here was a chance for me to do something. 

Within 20 minutes of sending the email, a lovely lady called Stephanie phoned me and told me how delighted she was that I'd been in contact and sorted a date for a training session a few days ahead of the event. 

That's when the anxiety kicked in. Driving half an hour to be in a room full of strangers can make the best of us nervous but when you have social anxiety it makes it one hell of a challenge! 

I nearly came close to cancelling a couple of times because it just felt too overwhelming and I was basically just scared! But underneath that was this drive, telling me that this could be a great experience and to bring some positivity to a crappy situation. 

I'm so, so glad I listened to that voice and not the other one that was telling me that I couldn't do it and who would want to hear what I had to say about anything?!! 

I made it to the training session with my heart racing and encountered a group of people so lovely that it was a privilege to be in a room with them. There really aren't words to describe how much of a comfort it is to be in a room full of people who have all had extensive experience with mental health issues, be they people like me or healthcare professionals. Everyone just understands and there's no need to try and find words to explain because everyone gets it. 

Also I must mention how wicked a sense of humour these awesome humans have! Awful situations were described but with warmth and a jokey tone that would have offended most, but it was wonderful. Because we all understood that in these safe surroundings that it was ok. That having a sense of humour about these things is an essential part of recovery and a sign that you're doing well. :) 

At the end of the session the regional director of TTC came over to me and expressed how glad he was that I had volunteered and how pleased he was that I was part of this. This mans story has to be heard from the horses mouth to be believed, but trust me when I tell you that he has been to hell and back many times over. That he was now on the other side and working for postitive change was profoundly inspiring to me and I was touched that he'd purposely come over to talk to me. 

I came away from the training absolutely charged with positive energy and feeling mightily empowered! Which, of course, disappeared at lightning speed on the night before the event. 

I spent a good hour or so thinking of excuses (lies) about why I couldn't attend. I didnt sleep until around 3am, my muscle twitches came back with a vengence and I couldn't see how I was going to get up early in the morning and face a group of people that I'd only met once, let alone a city full of strangers going about their business on a Saturday. 

The fact that I had committed to it was the thing that did get me out of my bed, pull on my TTC T shirt and (with a bucket of caffeine) got me walking towards the meeting point. I was greeted by friendly, smiling faces and there was an air of nervous energy but it was underpinned by a collective determination to make this day work. 

I'll be honest. For the first hour or so, I was crap!! I'd smile at the curious passers by and say a cheery "Morning!", take a breath and then....nothing! I got so frustrated because I knew I could do this and yet my fear was getting the better of me. 

The beauty of being part of something like this is that you're never alone. A fellow volunteer and lovely lady named Mary spotted that I was struggling and without commenting on it, just came and stood beside me and included me in the conversations that she was initiating. Thank you Mary!! 

After a little while I became comfortable with my own approach to people and it was then that the magic of the day really started happening. 

It may be my memory playing tricks on me but, to my recollection, every single person I spoke to in the space of 7 hours had either experienced a mental health problem or knew of someone that had. 

Every. Single. Person. 

Let that sink in for a second.....

Initiating these conversations is like popping the cork out of a bottle. Once people have established that you're just there to talk and, most importantly, to listen then you become more than a random stranger on the street. There is an instant understanding of shared experience and you become a confidante for however long you're talking to this person. 

I heard stories that were so painful that I had to grit my teeth to not cry. I had a young lady that came over to speak to me and she told me of her struggle with anorexia and how she had tried to take her life at the age of 19. I believe she was about 22 so it was very raw for her and my heart went out to her, as it did with so many others, as she cried and described how it felt for her. 

It was absolutely heart wrenching. I let her talk and then thanked her for opening up to me. I told her that I thought she was amazing and courageous. When our brief time together ended, I asked if she was ok. Talking about deeply emotional issues is immensely draining for both parties. She assured me that she was and thanked me for taking the time to talk and listen. I couldn't help but ask if she needed a hug! That's just me though. So I gave her a big cuddle which was wonderfully reciprocated. :) 

I had to walk away for a minute after she'd gone and take a lot of deep breaths. Another of the volunteers was by my side in a flash, checking that I was doing ok and seeing if I needed a break. We had covered this extensively in the training session and we were all keeping an eye out for each other between conversations. 

That was such a great sense of camaraderie between the volunteers and organisers throughout the day. We laughed and shared our own war stories with an innate sense of undestanding that we were all in this together. 

I had expected to hear other people's experiences and I was fully ready for that. What I didn't anticipate was people's reaction to me, personally. I talk openly about my mental illness anyway so I wasn't afraid to talk about it on this occasion either. It was a huge bonus that I could give information about local mental health services and add that I have used them and found them extremely valuable. 

A lot of people looked surprised and asked questions which I answered honestly. I could see that most of them were thinking "but you're here being smiley and cheerful. You don't look like you have mental health issues." 

But the real kicker for me was just how many people thanked me for my time and made remarks about what a great thing I was part of and how they would tell people about what we were doing. I lost count of how many warm smiles, understanding looks and handshakes I received. How complete strangers remarked on my bravery after I'd spoken to them. I didn't see that coming and I felt immense pride in myself after the battle that I'd had to get myself there. 

That's the most difficult thing about these kind of illnesses. You deal with it every day for so long that it becomes normal. Your mind tells you that you're unimportant, you're worthless, that nobody really wants to deal with your shit, that nobody cares about what you have to say and that you're basically unloveable and unlikeable. 

Yesterday, I didn't feel like that at all. Today, I don't feel like at all. 

When we finished up yesterday we had a huddle and were thanked for all our hard work and how well we'd done. I was tired in a way that I'd never felt before. Completely drained, a bone weariness that had me surprised that I was still on my feet. 

One of the event organisers, a lovely man named Laurens, came over to me and told me that I'd been an absolute star. That my enthusiasm and energy had been brilliant and how much he appreciated that I'd been there. I was actually too tired to cry! I just beamed at him and said thank you and that it had been an absolute pleasure. I meant every word of it too. 

Saying goodbye to everyone was actually quite wrenching. We'd all been through an intense experience together and supported and cared about each other. So many "it was great to meet you, I hope we see each other again soon" and "I hope you come back to volunteer again". It's not something that I've felt before in that way. 

I literally trudged home, knowing that I felt good about myself and what I'd done that day was special. But it's not until today that it has fully impacted me. 

To be honest, I've cried throughout writing this whole post. Tears of joy, of pride and accomplishment. 

The last year has been a tough one and after wandering for years, feeling lost and lonely, this has given me something that I've been missing for a really long time. A sense of purpose. That there is actually a point to me going through this. 

Because yesterday, my words mattered. My story and experiences mattered. 

All the times when I felt like I had no hope mattered. 

I can't even begin to describe how that feels and I don't think I'm even close to processing it properly. 

What I keep thinking about today, is all the conversations I had and all the information I handed out, could have contributed to someone else getting help or not being afraid to admit that they need help. That a family member or friend could go to someone and mention what they'd seen and heard and recognised that someone they love may be struggling. 

That's huge for me. I will never know if I helped anyone yesterday but I suspect I did. That I played a small part in something that is so much bigger than me is gratifying and humbling. I believe that something has profoundly changed me in a way that I can't explain and that may affect the outlook I have for the rest of my life. 

I don't know what the future holds but this feels like a beginning for me. I'm just going to be open to it and see what comes along next. 

:) 

Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo