I've had a period of quiet, something so very much needed. My perception of who I am has undergone a profound change, mainly because of how I got my new job.
In January I was spinning out of control, exhausted in every way. I was waging a battle on two fronts, one being my own mind, and the other a real life Dementor.
The Dementor constantly fed my mind a series of lies about how cruel and heartless I was. My mind was fighting against the lies yet, at the same time questioned if the lies were the truth.
Sounds confusing, right? Yep.
It's not the first time this has happened. An ex partner constantly swore he was being faithful and dismissed my doubts again and again, leading me to question what I knew in my gut was right. And I was right. You'd think I would have learned from that. Unfortunately Dementors always swoop when they know you're vulnerable.
I digress(ish).
Actually, let me digress here for a second. I'm an emotional person. To the point of being over sensitive. I was brought up to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. Now I know better.
Since experiencing the complete emotional numbness of depression, I have realised that my emotions are my strength. (Is that my superhero power?!)
All emotion is real. Some can be dismissive about the reason you're feeling a certain way and tell you that it's not worth it or to stop caring about it. (Thanks for the tip, now if you could please demonstrate how exactly to do that?)
So fast forward to more recent times and the search for a new job. Big change is always scary and I've certainly had a hefty dose of that. However, change can also be surprising in ways that you could never imagine.
Here's how the job thing went.
Wednesday: phone call from one of the agencies I'd sent my details to. The consultant apologised to me for having taken so long to get back to me and asked me if I could come in the following day as she had read my CV and wanted to meet with me as soon as possible.
Thursday: Meeting with Kit at the agency (no nonsense, no bullshit, very direct, just my kind of person!). We discussed my previous employment and what I wanted to do next, all in a relaxed and friendly way. During the meeting she describes me as an ideal candidate, very placeable, and twice says that I have a lovely personality. She brings me the details of a job that she thinks I would be right for and, luckily, I agree with her. She says that she will be handing over my details to the other agent who is in charge of the recruitment for Kings College.
Friday: Phone call from Emma-Jane to say that Kit had run into her office, waving my CV at her saying that she absolutely had to see me. Would I be available for a job interview on Monday? Why yes, I would be.
Monday: Interview with Emma-Jane and lady from Kings College. All seemed to go well. I answers their questions, they took copious notes, we laughed a lot. They said that decisions would be made over the next 2 days and that I should expect the yay or nay call on Wednesday.
3 hours later: Phone call from Emma-Jane asking me how I thought it had gone. I said that I felt it went well although, just like everybody else, there were things I felt I could have said better at the time, however I put that down to nerves! She laughed and said that it had gone extremely well, they thought I was perfect for the job and was one of 3 candidates they were putting forward for 3 vacancies. Was that ok? Um, yes, that's pretty effing amazing!
Wait, whoa, hold up. Let's back it up a little here.
So Kings College, a prestigious and historical British institution, want me to come and work for them? To be the first voice the staff and students hear when they phone?
But aren't I really bad with people? Aren't I a morose/angry/unkind person? Don't I constantly abuse the people I come into contact with on a daily basis? Surely the experienced people at the agency would have seen through my cheerful facade and realised that I am an individual that should not be within a million miles of Kings?
Or maybe they just don't have an agenda and they liked the person they saw. Maybe they listened to my answers and liked what they heard and saw my sincerity.
The truth is that I went into that interview without my defences up. That's what this time out has given me. I hadn't meant it to be over a month without work. But I have to believe that things have worked out this way for a reason. That if I had gone into that interview with all those negatives still very much at the forefront of my mind, then the outcome would probably have been very different.
Everything that I heard and experienced that week was positive. Po-si-tive.
Having had a little time to sit and reflect on the situation, I am compelled to realise one thing. Or maybe two things.
As always, the first is a quote from the awesomeness that is Wil Wheaton: Depression lies.
The second is that if you have an entity that reinforces the lies that depression tells you, then you will believe them.
When you truly lose yourself in a bad situation, it is nigh on impossible to think your way out of it. You can't see the light and the hope at the end of the tunnel because you don't know where the damn tunnel is. You just know you're in it.
And then one person (albeit unknowingly) come to find you in that tunnel and shows you the way out. (Sheesh. Maybe I should change my name to Metaphor Girl).
So at this point:
Dementor/depression - 0 Anxiety Girl - 1
Now please excuse me whilst I barge my way past you and go and live a new chapter of my life. I've earned it.
Yours never,
Anxiety Girl xoxo
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