Today I want to talk about communication. Or maybe more accurately, miscommunication.
When I'm going through a particularly low period, I barely talk. Partly because I don't have the energy and partly because I just don't want to.
Although things are looking up, with a new job on the horizon and getting back to a routine, I'm actually experiencing a pretty bad slump. Over Easter weekend I didn't leave my flat. Or my bed. For 4 whole days.
I think I had a couple of conversations with my Mum on the phone and that was it. Other than that I didn't speak to anyone other than my cat. Although I love her dearly, her conversational skills are somewhat lacking.
I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to talk and wanting to be silent.
I had a situation this week with a very, very dear friend that brought all this right to the forefront. I had been feeling that this person had been 'using' me to talk about their own problems and not bothering to ask how I was, despite knowing that it's been a tumultuous few months for me. Like I said, I love this person dearly and I didn't want there to be this 'thing' getting in the way. So I decided to write an email in the nicest possible way, to explain how I was feeling and why. I knew it was going to make the other person feel bad and it absolutely made me cringe to write it all out. But I did it and I felt sick to my stomach when I pressed send.
As expected, it didn't go down well. Why would it? Any person who receives an email like that is going to feel like crap.
Luckily this person felt able to contact me and we had a painfully honest text conversation.
And when I say painful I mean painful. For me.
Basically my friend told me that when she did ask how I was doing, she was met with a breezy (yet kind) dismissal and an immediate turn in discussion back to her.
Oh. Ouch.
(If the person I'm discussing is reading this, then you know that I've paraphrased greatly and I hope you think the above assessment is fair.) <3
As if to reinforce this, another dear friend said in a text that I had been quiet and she sometimes wondered if it was her.
More ouch.
The answer is no. Emphatically, no.
It really is not you, it's me.
I feel like I've done my friends a great disservice recently by not replying, not making social arrangements and generally not being a friend. This pains me an awful lot as my mates are very important to me.
I can't solve this one overnight, much as I really wish I could. The only explanation I can offer is that I've needed time to retreat and start to heal some wounds that are very deep. I've asked for patience and understanding and my friends, being the epic people that they are, have granted me exactly that.
I've given so many apologies and reassurances that these people are loved and valued by me. And if you are one of the people that have yet to have a reply from me then I am so very sorry. It really means an awful lot to me that you would contact me and if you feel ignored (which you have the right to) then know that it's not on purpose and it's certainly not personal.
At the moment I just suck at being a human being. But it really is temporary, that I promise you. In fact, there's almost a point to be made here for enjoying the silence because as soon as I'm back at work and have news and new experiences to share then you're going to be sick of me! ;)
In all of this, I am aware of it all. I know it's happening and I know that I want to be better. As things stand, I know that things will change as soon as I'm back in the work environment. As much as we all don't like having to go to work, there's a lot to be said for the routine and the social aspect of it especially when you have hermit-like tendencies. I realised that when I went to my works leaving do.
I had such a great night. Yet I hadn't been on a works social outing for a really long time. Of course then I was really mad at myself for not doing it sooner. *epic facepalm*
So let me sum up the points I'm trying to make here:
1. It's depression awareness week. I am aware that I have it and that it adversely affects the way I want to live my life.
2. I am asking for your patience and a little understanding. There are people that want to meet up with me, and I with them, but it hasn't happened yet. Yet. It will happen and I do want to see them because I want to catch up with them and share time with them. I'm hoping that this blog post will go some way to make them aware that this is my issue, not theirs.
3. Even if you haven't experienced mental health issues yourself, but you find yourself in this same kind of situation with a friend or loved one, please be patient.
4. Awareness is everything. I am aware that I cannot write a short and to-the-point blog post. :/
As I said, way back in the past (at the top), I'm going to do my bit for Depression Awareness Week by writing something every day. The exception may be Thursday as it is going to be a busy one. I have a meeting with my new boss and co-workers in the morning. In the evening it's Avengers time! *flail* :D
For more information about mental health issues in general, please go to the following resources:
Www.time-to-change.org.uk
Www.mind.org.uk
Yours in recovery,
Anxiety Girl xoxo
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