Answer: When they don't feel like a superhero any more.
The Anxiety Girl 'identity' came about because I realised that, for people like me, daily life can be a (sometimes) massive fight. It's my way of recognising that as bad and as pathetic as I feel, I'm actually doing ok because I'm managing to get out of bed in the morning.
The reason I stopped blogging for a while is because an unknown someone decided to 'report' a status I'd made about being kind to people in service industries at Christmas to my manager. I was taken into a room and given a reprimand (one amongst many I had over the last 3 months I worked there) because it was deemed harmful to the company I used to work for.
Not only did it stop me blogging but it also stopped me talking about my life in general. I got too afraid of anything I said being used against me. I'll probably never know who did it, I can't imagine someone fessing up to it, but in case they happen to be reading this: thanks for the damage you caused. Thanks for making me shut down and stop communicating in one of the few ways I feel comfortable with. Thank you for giving someone a reason to put me down that was so not needed, at a time when I was struggling anyway. You may have thought you were acting in someone's best interest but it certainly wasn't mine. Maybe a quiet word or a private message could have been a solution had you been genuinely concerned about an innocent status being harmful. Instead it got used as ammunition.
Do I sound bitter? That would be because I am.
Without going into detail, after nearly 10 years of working for the same company and feeling relatively happy with it, I handed in my notice. Why? Because if I had kept going the way I was then I would have had a breakdown or worse.
I really can't tell you how much I wish that was an understatement. I have never been made to feel so worthless, so pathetic and like such a bad person. I expended SO much energy during the day that I was coming home and getting straight into bed. Then when I tried to sleep, my mind was going into overdrive. Trying to work out if anything I had done during the day could be conceived as being 'wrong' and dreading what the next day would bring.
That's no way to live. We spend a good percentage of our life at work and when you end up terrified of being there then it takes a massive toll on you.
Within a day or two of me handing my notice in, people started to remark how different I looked. Apparently I went from looking "grey, washed out and haunted" to looking like a human being again. Says a lot, doesn't it?
So, as of right now, I am not beholden to anyone. I am free to speak my truth without fear of consequence.
However much I may get worried about the future, nothing and no one will ever convince me that I made the wrong decision. I didn't need confirmation of this but I got it from the people that are closest to me anyway. To a person they told me how proud they were of me, how it was absolutely the right thing to do, how much they were relieved and how much they loved me.
As things stand right now, I have some major issues to start challenging and working through. The world swings from being a terrifying place to one filled with unknown opportunity and the promise of better times to come. However, the best news is that my interest in life has started to come back. Small things like getting a haircut, going to see my best mate and beginning to look forward to upcoming events.
My main problem is confidence. I've never felt so devoid of it. I know that this will start to come back as I find a new job and open myself up to the world again but it does make these things more difficult to face.
I have made decisions about my future and I'm comfortable with them.
Now begins the road to recovery. It is the most difficult one I have faced to date but if there's one thing I've learned over recent times, it's how resilient I am.
I have some hope back and that's what's most important. :)
Anxiety Girl xoxo
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