Depression Awareness Week - Day 1

I'm going to try and make sure that I blog every day this week. We'll see how that goes!! 

Today I want to talk about communication. Or maybe more accurately, miscommunication. 

When I'm going through a particularly low period, I barely talk. Partly because I don't have the energy and partly because I just don't want to. 

Although things are looking up, with a new job on the horizon and getting back to a routine, I'm actually experiencing a pretty bad slump. Over Easter weekend I didn't leave my flat. Or my bed. For 4 whole days. 

I think I had a couple of conversations with my Mum on the phone and that was it. Other than that I didn't speak to anyone other than my cat. Although I love her dearly, her conversational skills are somewhat lacking. 

I am caught in a constant battle between wanting to talk and wanting to be silent. 

I had a situation this week with a very, very dear friend that brought all this right to the forefront. I had been feeling that this person had been 'using' me to talk about their own problems and not bothering to ask how I was, despite knowing that it's been a tumultuous few months for me. Like I said, I love this person dearly and I didn't want there to be this 'thing' getting in the way. So I decided to write an email in the nicest possible way, to explain how I was feeling and why. I knew it was going to make the other person feel bad and it absolutely made me cringe to write it all out. But I did it and I felt sick to my stomach when I pressed send. 

As expected, it didn't go down well. Why would it? Any person who receives an email like that is going to feel like crap. 

Luckily this person felt able to contact me and we had a painfully honest text conversation. 

And when I say painful I mean painful. For me. 

Basically my friend told me that when she did ask how I was doing, she was met with a breezy (yet kind) dismissal and an immediate turn in discussion back to her. 

Oh. Ouch. 

(If the person I'm discussing is reading this, then you know that I've paraphrased greatly and I hope you think the above assessment is fair.) <3

As if to reinforce this, another dear friend said in a text that I had been quiet and she sometimes wondered if it was her. 

More ouch. 

The answer is no. Emphatically, no. 

It really is not you, it's me. 

I feel like I've done my friends a great disservice recently by not replying, not making social arrangements and generally not being a friend. This pains me an awful lot as my mates are very important to me. 

I can't solve this one overnight, much as I really wish I could. The only explanation I can offer is that I've needed time to retreat and start to heal some wounds that are very deep. I've asked for patience and understanding and my friends, being the epic people that they are, have granted me exactly that. 

I've given so many apologies and reassurances that these people are loved and valued by me. And if you are one of the people that have yet to have a reply from me then I am so very sorry. It really means an awful lot to me that you would contact me and if you feel ignored (which you have the right to) then know that it's not on purpose and it's certainly not personal. 

At the moment I just suck at being a human being. But it really is temporary, that I promise you. In fact, there's almost a point to be made here for enjoying the silence because as soon as I'm back at work and have news and new experiences to share then you're going to be sick of me! ;) 

In all of this, I am aware of it all. I know it's happening and I know that I want to be better. As things stand, I know that things will change as soon as I'm back in the work environment. As much as we all don't like having to go to work, there's a lot to be said for the routine and the social aspect of it especially when you have hermit-like tendencies. I realised that when I went to my works leaving do. 

I had such a great night. Yet I hadn't been on a works social outing for a really long time. Of course then I was really mad at myself for not doing it sooner. *epic facepalm* 

So let me sum up the points I'm trying to make here: 

1. It's depression awareness week. I am aware that I have it and that it adversely affects the way I want to live my life. 

2. I am asking for your patience and a little understanding. There are people that want to meet up with me, and I with them, but it hasn't happened yet. Yet. It will happen and I do want to see them because I want to catch up with them and share time with them. I'm hoping that this blog post will go some way to make them aware that this is my issue, not theirs. 

3. Even if you haven't experienced mental health issues yourself, but you find yourself in this same kind of situation with a friend or loved one, please be patient. 

4. Awareness is everything. I am aware that I cannot write a short and to-the-point blog post. :/ 

As I said, way back in the past (at the top), I'm going to do my bit for Depression Awareness Week by writing something every day. The exception may be Thursday as it is going to be a busy one. I have a meeting with my new boss and co-workers in the morning. In the evening it's Avengers time! *flail* :D 

For more information about mental health issues in general, please go to the following resources: 

Www.time-to-change.org.uk

Www.mind.org.uk 

Yours in recovery, 

Anxiety Girl xoxo 

Change is coming :)

Life has changed so much since the beginning of 2015. Sometimes it feels like  it's taken forever and sometimes it feels like it's gone at Flash speed. 

I've had a period of quiet, something so very much needed. My perception of who I am has undergone a profound change, mainly because of how I got my new job. 

In January I was spinning out of control, exhausted in every way. I was waging a battle on two fronts, one being my own mind, and the other a real life Dementor. 

The Dementor constantly fed my mind a series of lies about how cruel and heartless I was. My mind was fighting against the lies yet, at the same time questioned if the lies were the truth. 

Sounds confusing, right? Yep. 

It's not the first time this has happened. An ex partner constantly swore he was being faithful and dismissed my doubts again and again, leading me to question what I knew in my gut was right. And I was right. You'd think I would have learned from that. Unfortunately Dementors always swoop when they know you're vulnerable. 

I digress(ish). 

Actually, let me digress here for a second. I'm an emotional person. To the point of being over sensitive. I was brought up to believe that tears were a sign of weakness. Now I know better. 

Since experiencing the complete emotional numbness of depression, I have realised that my emotions are my strength. (Is that my superhero power?!) 

All emotion is real. Some can be dismissive about the reason you're feeling a certain way and tell you that it's not worth it or to stop caring about it. (Thanks for the tip, now if you could please demonstrate how exactly to do that?) 

So fast forward to more recent times and the search for a new job. Big change is always scary and I've certainly had a hefty dose of that. However, change can also be surprising in ways that you could never imagine. 

Here's how the job thing went. 

Wednesday: phone call from one of the agencies I'd sent my details to. The consultant apologised to me for having taken so long to get back to me and asked me if I could come in the following day as she had read my CV and wanted to meet with me as soon as possible. 

Thursday: Meeting with Kit at the agency (no nonsense, no bullshit, very direct, just my kind of person!). We discussed my previous employment and what I wanted to do next, all in a relaxed and friendly way. During the meeting she describes me as an ideal candidate, very placeable, and twice says that I have a lovely personality. She brings me the details of a job that she thinks I would be right for and, luckily, I agree with her. She says that she will be handing over my details to the other agent who is in charge of the recruitment for Kings College. 

Friday: Phone call from Emma-Jane to say that Kit had run into her office, waving my CV at her saying that she absolutely had to see me. Would I be available for a job interview on Monday? Why yes, I would be. 

Monday: Interview with Emma-Jane and lady from Kings College. All seemed to go well. I answers their questions, they took copious notes, we laughed a lot. They said that decisions would be made over the next 2 days and that I should expect the yay or nay call on Wednesday. 

3 hours later: Phone call from Emma-Jane asking me how I thought it had gone. I said that I felt it went well although, just like everybody else, there were things I felt I could have said better at the time, however I put that down to nerves! She laughed and said that it had gone extremely well, they thought I was perfect for the job and was one of 3 candidates they were putting forward for 3 vacancies. Was that ok? Um, yes, that's pretty effing amazing! 

Wait, whoa, hold up. Let's back it up a little here. 

So Kings College, a prestigious and historical British institution, want me to come and work for them? To be the first voice the staff and students hear when they phone? 

But aren't I really bad with people? Aren't  I a morose/angry/unkind person? Don't I constantly abuse the people I come into contact with on a daily basis? Surely the experienced people at the agency would have seen through my cheerful facade and realised that I am an individual that should not be within a million miles of Kings? 

Or maybe they just don't have an agenda and they liked the person they saw. Maybe they listened to my answers and liked what they heard and saw my sincerity. 

The truth is that I went into that interview without my defences up. That's what this time out has given me. I hadn't meant it to be over a month without work. But I have to believe that things have worked out this way for a reason. That if I had gone into that interview with all those negatives still very much at the forefront of my mind, then the outcome would probably have been very different. 

Everything that I heard and experienced that week was positive. Po-si-tive. 

Having had a little time to sit and reflect on the situation, I am compelled to realise one thing. Or maybe two things. 

As always, the first is a quote from the awesomeness that is Wil Wheaton: Depression lies. 

The second is that if you have an entity that reinforces the lies that depression tells you, then you will believe them. 

When you truly lose yourself in a bad situation, it is nigh on impossible to think your way out of it. You can't see the light and the hope at the end of the tunnel because you don't know where the damn tunnel is. You just know you're in it. 

And then one person (albeit unknowingly) come to find you in that tunnel and shows you the way out. (Sheesh. Maybe I should change my name to Metaphor Girl). 

So at this point:

Dementor/depression - 0 Anxiety Girl - 1

Now please excuse me whilst I barge my way past you and go and live a new chapter of my life. I've earned it. 

Yours never, 

Anxiety Girl xoxo