I was thinking about 'theming' this blog post but I have too many thoughts running around in my head. So it's likely that this will be a brain fart of sorts and a long one at that! Read on if you will but be prepared for the random!
Had my works leaving do last night. Socialising has not been high on my list of priorities recently. I have been living the hermit life for many months now. But I went because I worked with awesome people and because it was a joint leaving do with my dear friend Mike, who I have worked with closely over the last 5 years or so.
This part is hard to explain so please bear with me. My last few months at work were seriously tough to deal with. I had so much negative criticism from one person that it coloured the way I thought everyone else felt about me too. It got to the point where I was genuinely expecting people that I'd known for a long time and always got on well with, to suddenly turn and snap at me and tell me that I was letting them down and that every bad thing that happened at work was down to me. I felt that I was constantly bothering them by asking stupid questions and, at times, being phenomenally annoying because I was unable to control my emotions due to being so deeply unhappy.
So I have to admit that I was apprehensive before I went. I knew that quite a few people would be there because Mike is a popular guy and that they all would want to give him a good send off and wish him all the best for his new job.
Me? Maybe not so much.
But I was pretty much overwhelmed when everyone arrived. I had compliments on how well I was looking. There were lovely moments when people would quietly ask me how I was doing and genuine smiles and lovely words. I really can't convey it accurately but each conversation chipped away at the wall I'd built up around me.
I'm aware now that I isolated myself from them in trying to protect myself. I did my best to appear cheerful, sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed epically.
It's still too soon for me to trust when people say nice things to me that they 100% mean it. That is absolutely no reflection on their sincerity at all, it's just my state of mind at the moment. But last night went a really long way to breaking that down. I felt accepted and warmly welcomed and that was more than enough for me. :)
It still amazes me that one person had the power to break me down to such an extent. In fairness, I suppose I should be a little easier on myself. When I went back to work, I'd just been through a mental health crisis and was vulnerable. It was taken advantage of by someone in authority and used as a weapon.
Hindsight being what it is, I should have stood up for myself from day one.
Hindsight is a bitch.
I should have trusted my instincts, and therein lies the biggest lesson I've learned recently. If it feels wrong, then it IS wrong.
Despite knowing that I was heading down an incredibly rocky path, I persevered, fooling myself into believing that it would get better.
I should have stopped it the moment the suicidal thoughts appeared. That's the honest truth about how low I got. I genuinely believed that I was worthless and an unkind and cruel person. I haven't admitted that to anyone and I don't do it now for any other reason than that I don't want anyone else who finds themself in a similar position to get to that point.
I knew about 2 weeks in that this situation was potentially very harmful to me. Yet I stuck it out. Why? I wish I could give you a proper reason. Maybe because I'm stubborn, maybe because I didn't want this person to 'win', maybe because I want to believe the best of people, maybe because I'm an optimist at heart, I just don't know.
There were many conversations had between my loved ones and I about how to deal with the situation. As is prudent and practical, most advised to stick it out until I found another job.
But I couldn't. I was getting progressively worse with every day that went past. There were days when I would finish work, get back to my car and then have to run for the nearest shrubbery to throw up in.
Then came the day that I had had enough. Another reprimand, another bout of cruel words and that was it.
What follows is the most valuable lesson I have gained from this whole experience and it's going to sound so simple and trust me when I say that I have facepalmed over this many, many times.
No one else is living your life. No one knows exactly how you feel. No one goes through the emotions that you do. People may have been through similar situations and found a different solution. But not one of them can tell you what's right for you. Only you know what is bearable, how much you can take and when it has to stop and change direction.
It may seem insane to some that I would just hand my notice in without a job to go to, hence a financially uncertain future. I can understand that from a logical point of view. But I also know what the consequences of me staying in that situation any longer would have been.
So I took a leap of faith and trusted that everything would work out. So far it's going ok. It's taken me a little longer than I thought to start recovering but again, I'm fine with that. I'm now in a place where I'm looking forward to finding work and beginning to regain the confidence I'd managed to build up before all this happened.
Weirdly, I know I'm going to be temporarily embarrassed when I publish this entry and post it where my friends can see it. But I'm going to do it anyway. When I decided to start this blog in August last year, my aim was always to be as honest as I could be about being a person that has to deal with mental illness as best they can. Much as there was a temporary derailment, things are getting back on track.
It's just that now I don't give a flying fuck whether anyone thinks I'm weird. Or decides to judge my actions or my personality. I may have my issues but no one has the right to put me down for that. No one had the right to use my honesty as ammunition.
I'm not a useless superhero, I'm just an unlikely one. :)
Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo
