Meeting Jensen Ackles

I wanted to say something about this. Not just to be all "ooooh, get me!" But because it turned out to be even more special than I could ever have dreamed. 

I'm a big fan of his, have been a Dean girl since episode 1 of Supernatural so naturally, was even more excited for this con that most. (And trust me, I am ALWAYS excited about con!) 

I will warn you now that this is going to get a little deep and may shock some of you. It may also be triggery for which I apologise, but I think it's worth telling this story of mine. 

Jensen and co star Jared Padalecki have been running what it essentially an anti-suicide campaign #AlwaysKeepFighting to raise funds for mental health projects. It's been massively successful and deservedly so. Jared has been open about his own mental health problems in the past. Anybody that knows me, knows that I am passionate about talking about and ending the stigma around these issues. 

So there I am in the autograph queue and I'm planning on saying that I don't have enough time or words to tell him how much I love Dean and the show. Autos can go pretty quickly so you have to talk fast and get to the point! 

I'm next up, have my words prepared and I'm good to go! 

Except that it didn't exactly go to plan. I say hello whilst he's signing my photo and then he looks up at me and smiles. 

And something in my brain clicks. I literally still don't know what happened to cause what I said next. 

At the beginning of this year, I had decided that I'd had enough. Of everything. I won't go into detail but I had planned exactly how I was going to end my life. There was too much pain, too much darkness and a complete lack of hope that things would ever get any better. I've been low before but this was so much worse than I'd ever experienced. I didn't tell anyone. I just decided that I was going to do it quickly and quietly and it would all stop. 

Except that I couldn't. Each time I decided I was going to do it, the thought of my parents finding my body was unbearable. I knew that my passing would cause them untold amounts of pain and I just couldn't do it to them. 

Bearing that in mind, maybe what I said to Jensen wasn't that surprising but it shook the hell out of me. I just didn't see it coming. 

"Hi Mr Ackles. I just wanted to say thank you for the #AlwaysKeepFighting campaign. I nearly stopped fighting this year, so thank you." 

Uh, wtf have I just said?!! Like I said, I hadn't told a single soul about it and yet I had just blurted it out to an actor off the telly. 

Not only that but my voice had started cracking when I was speaking to him and I had the most massive lump in my throat. 

His reaction and his words will stay with me forever. He made seriously direct eye contact with me and just kind of stopped.

 "I'm really glad you didn't. Please keep coming back here. We have a strong family (Meaning the Supernatural family, the fandom name) and we'll always support each other." 

I wish I could describe the look in his eyes. The closest I can come to it is absolute sincerity. 

I got out a thank you and he also thanked me. I walked away in absolute shock at what had just happened. I love having a human moment or two with the cast of this show. They really are just lovely people, but this was something else. 

I walked back to the panel hall with my head down because the tears had started and I couldn't stop them. Karina, my bestie, took one look at me and just gave me the biggest cuddle ever. We had a long talk later that day. It was so difficult to try and get the words out. To try and tell someone that loves you that you planned on not being here any more. 

She handled it amazingly well considering how shocked she was. Love my girl. <3 

It was a shocking moment for me. To realise how close I'd come to doing it. I'm in SO much of a better place now that it almost feels like it was someone else. 

I don't want this to be all doom and gloom, as it's not. It was a harsh reality check for me but a good one. It really made me realise how far I've come and that a fantastic new chapter of my life has started. 

The next day I went for my photo op with Jensen and the awesomely epic Tim Omundson. I knew exactly what I wanted so when Tim said "hey darlin! What can we do for you?!" (Love him!), I said "Can I have big squishy cuddles please?!" 

Jensen opened his arms out, smiled and said "Of course!" 

And this is the result. 

I love and adore this pic with all my heart! 

Can you tell?!! 

When the photo had been taken and I sadly had to leave this most epic of sandwiches, I told Jensen that I loved him. He said thank you and squeezed my shoulder as I left. 

And to think, if I had followed through with my plan, then this would never have happened. :) 

It sure is a weird way to "come out" and admit something like this but I have had some honest and emotional talks about the subject since then. 

All this good stuff from a TV show. Who'd a thunk it? 

#AlwaysKeepFighting 

It does get better. 

Yours, Not So Much Anxiety Girl anymore. Xoxo 

An awfully big adventure!

My life is going to be nuts in the next few weeks! 

Fri 8th May - Drive to Birmingham with my fandom girls and the cast of Supernatural for a weekend of insane convention epicness. 

Sunday 10th May - Leave Bham and drive to London to Kings College to start my new job training. Am staying in the mature student halls of residence! Shared bathroom and kitchen should be an experience after years of living alone! Also, cramming my brain with a brand new way of working! 

Kings have been amazingly generous and given me Friday the 15th of May off so I can travel back to Bham for yet another weekend of convention epicness with the cast of Arrow, The Flash, Gotham and yet more of my fandom girls. 

Sunday 17th May - Drive back to London for a full week at Kings. 

Friday 22nd May (after work)  - Seeing as it's a Bank Holiday weekend, I'm going to drive to Borehamwood, Herts, to spend the night there so I can catch up with my most adored cousin and very dear friend, Sian on the Saturday. Then I'm going to drive home that evening. 

That's 16 days away from home, which I believe is the longest I have been away since I moved back to Cornwall in 2000! 

The last month or so has been fairly tense in a lot of ways. I had 3 interviews for the job. I was pretty sure that I had it all the way through but it turns out that one of the other candidates had been rejected after the third interview. 

On the third interview we had been told that they couldn't envision us starting before May 26th. Then the next day I had it confirmed that there was a definite offer on the table and the contract would be sent out. The only difference would be that they wanted me to start on the 11th May and that there would be 2 weeks training in London instead of one, which I hadn't know previously. 

That's in 9 days! There may have been a little bit of a panic about how I was going to manage my hectic schedule. Ok, there was a lot of panic! Hi, Anxiety Brain! 

But it occurred to me whilst chatting with a friend that I had been wishing, for some time, for an adventure. A big adventure. 

And this is it. An adventure that's going to include quite serious amounts of stress and the euphoric high of seeing dear friends and loved ones. 

Originally I had the two weeks of con time booked as holiday so I had adequate recovery time between cons. 

Cons are when I push myself to wring every moment of joy out of the weekend and I end up exhausted but exhilarated. 

But this is the reality of life. Sometimes things are put in your path to challenge you. As much as I sometimes let my anxiety hold me back, with this, I can't. Getting back to work is something I need at this point. I need the stability, routine, regular pay check and to be amongst people again. 

My cons are my sanity. The counterbalance to the daily grind of life. Being amongst an awesome bunch of nerds and geeks lets me be free to truly be who I am. After doing a fair few cons now, I also have an extended group of friends who I only get to see at these events. I adore spending time with these people, SO much. 

It's also the one weekend a year where I get to spend 3 days with my best friend. Priceless girly time, not only to have fun but to really catch up without the pressures of family life for her. <3 I love our trips so much! 

I am so self aware at this point, that I know all the stress and worry will last until I get in the car on the Friday morning and start driving. After that, I'm in it and can only take it a day at a time. 

I want to take this opportunity to talk about medication. I agree to a certain extent that our country can be seen as 'over medicated'. However, there are times when it's imperative to me to have some pills. I discussed this with my doctor yesterday and I explained the situation with the new job and the travelling. He agreed with me that my rare prescriptions for diazepam and sleeping pills will be psychologically helpful. A preventative, if you will. If I have them, then I'm not going to be worried about not having them. 

At this point, all my ducks are in a row. I've prepped as much as possible and am now feeling considerably more settled as a result. 

Next week will be about shopping, packing and making sure Sophie's stuff is all in order for my parents to take care of her. 

To quote the great Robin Williams as Peter Pan in Hook: "To live would be an awfully great adventure." 

That's the plan. :) 

Optimistically yours, 

Anxiety Girl xoxo