Anxiety Girl is being packed away. New year, new start and all that. I will still blog but just not here.
Christmas can be a very trying time for me. Some years it's forced jollity, some years it's keeping everybody else happy and some years it's a big gaping hole of nothingness.
2014, thankfully, has been very different. I've enjoyed picking out gifts and cards for my loved ones and the actual day itself was lovely. Very relaxed, lots of laughs and just enjoying company. I had such a heartfelt appreciation of every single card, present, text, FB post, Christmas wish, everything! I know I've not been the easiest person to deal with this year, so the fact that anyone took time to do or say anything really meant a lot to me.
This year has been, without a doubt, the most difficult of the last 10 years or so. So much worry and self doubt that I've felt physically weighed down by it. There have been nights when I've laid awake not knowing how I'm going to have the strength to get out of bed the next day.
But somehow I have. Maybe it's stubbornness or just plain survival instinct, I don't know. What I do know is that I haven't done it by myself. I am so, so blessed to have a group of people in my life that have never given up on me, even when I feel like I've given up on myself.
There have been times when I've been angry, over sensitive, accusatory, whiny, negative and just plain bitchy. Yet, not one person that I care about has turned their back on me, even when I've really, truly deserved it.
That says so much more about the epic people in my life than it does about me.
I can honestly say that 2014 has been the year that I've learned to be me. Yes, I've made mistakes and I've trusted the wrong people at times, but it's all been a massively valuable learning experience. As with most life lessons, pain has been a big part of it. I've very literally been knocked down to the point where I've been made to think that I was worthless and pathetic.
Again, I am so unbelievably grateful for the people who told me that I was worth something, that I was valued and loved. If it wasn't for them then I am in no doubt that I would have had a breakdown this year. I came frighteningly close more times than I can tell you.
Yet, each time that I hit rock bottom, there was a voice on the phone, a text, an email, telling me that someone believed in me. That I had support, that I was stronger then I knew.
The words we speak and type have immense power. Used negatively, they can bring a person to their knees, particularly if someone is vulnerable. Used positively, they can lift you up and make you soar.
If I ever needed proof of this, then it was with my voluntary day with the Time To Change campaign and through this blog that I truly recognised it. By speaking out about my struggles with mental illness, it opened up a floodgate of positivity and a feeling of community.
There are also those who dismiss and deny it and make you feel like you're making it all up.
Then there are those who say "I don't understand it as I've never been through it, but I get that you're going through a hard time and I'm here for you".
I now try not to get angry at those who deny. It's very difficult but I just have to remember that none of us truly understand what we haven't experienced ourselves. But by talking and explaining, then I have hope that the stigma will diminish with each word or sentence.
This year, I have pride in myself. I have learned just how resilient I can be. I am so very glad that I am who I am and what my experiences have taught me.
So whilst Anxiety Girl may not be actively fighting stigma and discrimination, you can bet your ass that I will be!
Because this is me. Emotional, heart on my sleeve, wise in some areas, naive in others. Forever non perfect and loving my quirks and my weirdness. That's what makes me special. It's what makes us all special.
In the words of Fall Out Boy, "I don't have the right name or the right looks, but I have twice the heart".
I'm me, take it or leave it. :)
I hope you have all had a lovely festive season, however you celebrate. If you've not had a good time then I am sending you love and massive hugs. Seems trite to say but it will get better even if it doesn't feel like it right at the moment.
You ARE stronger than you think. You ARE valued and you ARE loved. You deserve every good thing that comes your way.
You ARE a superhero. We all are. Never forget that. That means that you're never alone. We all have our battles and our struggles, but we have each other. We're a team, all of us. Lean on each other when you need support.
I wish you all nothing but the very best for the coming New Year. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle on yourself.
Talk, listen, laugh and love.
Signing off for the last time in this current guise.
Peace out bitches!
Anxiety Girl xoxo
