There I am, feeling in a good place, when my Dad gets ill again. Menirs disease is a fucker. Just when I thought the worst of it was in the past, he has two attacks in two days. (Please google for info, it's kind of complicated to explain).
I can feel the anxiety coming at me again and I am so beyond frustrated. I was planning on going back to work and resuming normal life but am now finding the thoughts coming in waves.
What if it gets worse?
How will Mum cope if I go back to work?
What if there's an emergency and I can't get to them because I work a fair distance away from home?
And so on and so forth. People with sensible brains would say that there are other people they can ring if they need help etc, but I can't help but feel responsible for them. My sister lives in Reading and only rings when something has gone wrong or she needs a favour. As for my relationship with my brother, that's done and gone so no help there either.
It's not even like my parents are helpless. Far from it. But it's things like supermarket runs and prescription pickups that will be for me to do. Don't get me wrong, I would never in a million years see them needing help and not giving it, I just couldn't. It's just that when I'm struggling with me already, this just feels like extra pressure. I would be going back to work during the day and then be coming home and then doing their running around.
This is my panic brain talking, by the way. I am a master at focusing on the worst case scenario and running with it. Part of me sees it as preparedness and another part of me knows I'm blowing it up out of proportion.
This all leads back to the general feeling of being trapped in my own life and not seeing how it can get better or knowing what steps to take to make it better.
Right now I can't do anything about this particular situation. So I'm going to do what I do best. Watch telly. In fairness, I have to wait in for the plumber to fit some new kitchen taps so it's not like I can leave.
Sherlock. Again. Because it's so damn good. And Benedict Cumberbatch. Because Benedict Cumberbatch.
Love, Anxiety Girl xoxo
